TRIP & HIATUS.

[Cid Raines]

ok... before i feel like i start crying and that my trip is more important than my currently unstable mental health, i just need to say that i won't be on at all for the next four days, as on thursday [ wednesday is needed to finish packing, hair dying, showering and whatnot ] at four a.m. i'm leaving for belgium and france. it's a school trip, so i won't be able to have any connection with you guys during that time. i get back at saturday at eight p.m. but again, i won't chat to you lot until sunday because i'll be unpacking, eating everything i can, and murdering myself.

that last point leads onto my next paragraph. i'm depressed. i'm going mad, i feel like i'm going to start crying any minute now. why is that? okay, so, sunday night i couldn't sleep properly, which lead to me sleeping badly and not doing the best i could after a first day back [ but i did pretty damn well on five hours of sleep, maybe even four hours ] but, when i got home, i slept all day. i slept through dinner. i didn't eat. i woke up at 9:30 to feel like the most goopiest piece of wotsits ever, as i realised i should have posted in all of my threads before i left for belgium and france.

and today, O, TODAY. it started off fine, just another day of planner signing and worrying about english [ we're doing speeches and it's definitely not my strong point ], as well as being completely stupid at p.e [ gym = hated ]. at lunchtime, i had to retake a science test, as i got an e instead of above a c, and i'm pretty sure i did really badly on that, so i feel like i should be moved down from triple science. but the thing is, i'm completely useless and i do not and can not revise.

so after lunch, i went to meet my friends. i sat there in the cold for three minutes, before i went off to the hall because they would still be eating lunch, but i met with chantelle who left early [ to get away from them ] so we were walking around for five to ten minutes before the others came out of the hall. did i mention eating lunch? no, i didn't.

i get home, i stay up until five p.m. and then, i collapse in bed. i sleep through dinner. i don't eat it. and also, i slept through a little evening called 'options evening'. it's where you visit teachers in their departments and talk to them about gcse level work. now, i was going, because everyone in year nine had to go as we're choosing our options, but... i slept through it. until eight o'clock. one hour after it began. so, i couldn't go. therefore, i missed one of the most important school events of my damned life.

therefore, i feel utterly useless. i haven't posted, i sleep all day, i should have finished packing today, and so i just feel useless. i'm depressed. i feel like my friends won't care if i say, "i think i might have depression", or they will say that i don't and focus on someone else. now, self-harm. i don't do it, don't worry, but sometimes i really feel like sticking a kitchen knife through someone's eye and twist, twist, twist, and pull it out. i can't, i'd be put in rehab or prison, and i don't think depression with murderous ideas isn't a good idea at all. anyway, back to self-harm, i just get the urge to smash my hand against the wall as hard as i can, because it DAMN well hurts when it's concrete and brick. i also feel like sleeping outside. but my parents might drag me back in.

i also snapped at my friend just now. oops. i also just called meself retarded too.

so, yeah... i need a hiatus. a really long hiatus. possibly even two years. and i feel as though i should be demoted from staff, because i feel useless, so. xD; anyway, the reasons for my hiatus don't matter much and this is really ranty or something... um... so yeah. trip for three days, day before departure needed for packing, and i need a hiatus because i feel so damn depressed and overwhelmed by all my posts.

p.s. i still haven't eaten. i ate crumpets yesterday morning, and i ate lunch at 12:30pm, and i didn't eat dinner and had more crumpets at 11pm... and today i had toast at 7:45am, i didn't eat my lunch, and i didn't eat dinner... so maybe i should eat? i don't feel worthy enough to eat... that, or i feel way too weak and tired to get up. xD

p.s.s. i didn't start crying! yay! but now i feel depressed and i just realised there's one more reason. i'm paranoid and not spending time with my friends and girlfriend as much as i should. hmph. i feel as though hikari [ girlfriend ] is cheating on me, and if chantelle [friend i walked around with at lunch today ] hadn't have said, "she was smashing an eiffel tower charm on the table" after saying, "roma [ odd name, don't worry about it ] was running her hand up someone's eiffel tower." so yeah... i thought she was cheating on me so i had to get chantelle to elaborate... :u anyway, i need to stop this.

[Auric]

Oh, social drama will always cause stress. I wouldn't let academic pressure weigh you down, though -- actually, I pretty much hate the expectation that if you don't get it right in high school you get doomed for life -- because it's plain and simply not true.

Good luck; have fun.